The sexual habits of the computer professional

CAUTION: adult material

The world in general likes to believe that the insular computer boffin does not know the meaning of love-making. Of course this is not true. Most IT specialists have healthy and rewarding sex lives - often with other humans - which keep them bright and smiling as they tap away at the keyboard and chirpily browse their manager's Netscape cache. And the true IT professional - of course - always behaves faithfully to his chosen development environment - even in the bedroom….

Pascal
You make love to your girlfriend.

C++
You want to make love to your beautiful girlfriend. Fortunately, she
inherited her looks from her mother. Unfortunately, she won't let you
meddle with her privates.

COBOL

IF SLAPPED_FACE
   NEXT SENTENCE
ELSE
   PERFORM A_MUMBLE_ABOUT_LOVE
           THRU
           B_APOLOGISE_FOR_MESS
           VARYING W_GRIMACE
           UNTIL W_TESTICLES_EMPTY = TRUE.

SQL
You make love to your girlfriend, but it takes hours, and everyone in
the street has to wait until you've finished before they can make love
to their partners. When you've finished, you tell your girlfriend that
you're not committed to her, and she pretends you never made love in the
first place.

Assembly language
You spend weeks with a propelling pencil and some graph paper planning
exactly how you’re going to make love to your girlfriend, but when the
moment comes you end up enthusiastically buggering the cat. Afterwards
you pretend that you wanted to do that anyway.

Unix
You want to make love to your girlfriend the really clever way you did
it yesterday, but you've forgotten it.

NT
Someone else keeps making ActiveLove(TM) to your girlfriend without
asking you, and you can never catch the fucker at it and don't know how
to make them stop.

Microsoft Word '97
You proudly unveil your erection in the bedroom. Your girlfriend winks
at you and says "It looks like you're going to have a pee. Would you
like some help with peeing?".

BASIC
You waggle your penis ineffectually at your girlfriend.

Visual BASIC
You get a tattoo on your penis, then waggle it ineffectually at your
girlfriend.

C
Every time you make love to your partner, your penis points in a
different direction. You don't notice until eventually it points
straight up your own arse.

Microsoft Foundation Classes
Your girlfriend sends you a message that she wants you to make love to
her, but instead it goes to your father. He gleefully handles the
message and never tells you about it.

Java
You learn a technique which is supposed to bring any girl to orgasm, but
it only works with your mother.


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